No matter what anyone says, money IS important

I have a good life.

I have a beautiful, healthy baby girl. I have a husband that takes very good care of us. No, we don't have a perfect relationship, but we get along well enough. I have a house, a yard, a car, some sweet dogs, a full time job (in today's market, that's an achievement), and some money in savings.

Yet, somehow, I am STILL jealous.

I have a friend who is a year younger than me. We graduated together from college, but because her friend's dad was a big-wig at an oil/gas company, she got a job BEFORE she even got her diploma. She's making at least twice what I make now. And don't let me forget to mention her husband. He took a pay cut to join the current company he's with, but he's still making nearly $100K/year. He was making $160K at his last job, but he went to the current company because they practically guaranteed him over $200K/year in less than eight years. They have traveled to so many places. In the fall, he went to Dubai, Malaysia, and Brazil. Last spring, they went to Costa Rica. They go to Denmark on a regular basis because he's from there, and once last year they also went to Norway. They went to Sedona on a weekend spa getaway. For their honeymoon? Crete. Since Christmas, she went to Miami for a bachelorette party, he went to Acapulco for a bachelor party (I mean, that's where we went on our honeymoon!), and they went to Playa del Carmen on a trip completely paid for by his company. They're going to Denmark again next month and then to St. Thomas with us in June. Oh, and they just sold their house...they're making $70K on it...in this effin market. I was flabbergasted.

My life is great, but is it wrong for me to be jealous of hers? I mean, I think it's only natural to be somewhat jealous of certain people in our lives. To be able to just go and do whatever and whenever, to have a practically indispensable cash flow...ugh.

Can't I just have a little...please?

Prepare for lots of tears

Need a cry fest? Click here. Unbelievably heartbreaking.

I was going to post about our theme for last week's trip to see the hubs ("I wish you had feelings, you bastard GPS"), but I'm just too emotional after reading about Maddie, that sweet baby girl in the link above. I wasn't going to read/watch because I just can't handle that stuff, but something drew me to it.

It really makes you appreciate what you have, which is why I'm letting my munchkin consume way too many M&Ms at this very moment.

Leavin' on a jet plane

I couldn’t dread a tropical vacation more than I do the trip to St. Thomas in June. To make matters worse, the hubs says to me…

“I need you to take a half day to go to Cape May with me before we go to St. Thomas.”

“Why?”

“So we can go to legal…”

End conversation.

Cue crying.

It absolutely terrifies me to think about leaving my munchkin. I honestly want to cancel our trip. Actually, I’m seriously considering flying my mom out to meet us there so that she can watch the munchkin while we enjoy ourselves. I don’t think she’d mind babysitting in paradise for free.

He then adds, "We have to do it because we're both going to be on a plane, and she won't be with us." Cue hysteria.

Tell me (if anyone still reads this blog), when did you first leave your child? Was it the hardest thing ever? How old was your child?

When I think about our vacation, my hands begin to sweat, my heart rate skyrockets, and I get highly emotional. My therapist says this isn’t good.

Cue the medication.

*SIGH*

I feel like life is lived by waiting on the next event. This past year and a half (almost) has been the happiest of my life, but it’s as though we’re always waiting on the next trip, vacation, family visit, etc. I just wish we could ignore the impending and thoroughly enjoy the now. My baby is growing up fast before my eyes…she’s already saying “thank you” and “uh-oh,” knows what a “kissy” is, knows what to do to put her jacket on. She runs and screams with delight. She loves the outdoors and cries when we have to come inside. She already knows and understands so much. I just want to be able to observe her more, to make thousands of mental notes about every move she makes just so I will never forget. I want to remember every smile, every tear, every laugh, every hug, every kiss, every everything.

Life, in essence, is just too damn fast.

RIP My Grandma Brown

About twelve hours after my last post, I found out that my grandmother passed away that day. She was the same grandmother I went to see at the beginning of October.

She was released from the hospital earlier in the day after being in for almost a week with pneumonia. My grandfather came by three times that day to check on her, and the first time she was really grouchy, so he said he'd let her rest. He came back twice, and both times she was sleeping. Eventually they realized she wasn't breathing and began CPR even though she was DNR. My aunt walked in at that point. All in all, her heart gave out.

Her funeral was beautiful and fit for my Grandma with a rainy day and tons of flowers. She would've wanted as much drama and love shown as possible. She loved attention and for people to take care of her. We made several jokes about it, but nonetheless, that was my grandma.

I feel so badly for my grandfather. He's lived alone now for seven months since she's been in the nursing home, but he's gone to see her every single day and sometimes twice a day. He said several times that she's better off because she was so sick. On Wednesday he was reading the paper and saw her name and just broke down into tears. He would think of something that he needed to tell Grandma or take to her and then get choked up. After seeing her on Wednesday in the funeral home, he was in a daze. He stared off into space and said, "Her blush was too dark." I went up there to talk to the funeral director about it, and upon seeing her...I just can't describe it. It didn't feel real. She didn't look like my grandmother. She was cold. Her glasses were missing. Her face was almost skeletal. Her lipstick was a tad too pink. Her eyebrows were too dark. Her face was too relaxed. She was too thin. She just wasn't right.

Before I realized what I was saying, I called out, "Please, Grandma, wake up." I touched her hand as if to startle her. I kissed her forehead and left.

She's no longer sick. She's at peace.

I love you, Grandma.

August 2004

June 2008

Hello...hello...hello....

I promise I haven't fallen off the face of the planet. I've just been balls to the wall busy at work and trying to prepare for the upcoming holidays and Mary's birthday. Here's a quick synapsis:

-I was unable to attend my Aunt's funeral due to costs and time, but my mom's husband put him cell phone on the altar, and I was able to hear the whole thing. One of the first songs they played was "I Can Only Imagine," and I broke down. Her untimely death has had such an affect on me and my family. I'm questioning things that I should be more firm about...faith, existence, if He's truly "all-knowing..." this is very, very tough. This topic definitely deserves more than just four sentences, but maybe another day.

-Remember that crazy douchebag Keith at work (I dedicated Douchebag Thursdays to him on my old blog)? Well, he went over the deep end and is now out on disability. Guess who gets to be a part of picking up the slack? Me. Those mother fuckers had the nerve to tell me yesterday, "You got promoted without a raise." I kindly told them, "I don't take promotions without raises." We'll see what happens on Monday. That fool Keith made $43.20/hour. I DAMN SURE deserve a cut of what they're not paying him anymore.

-We've decided on The Backyardigans as the theme for Mary's birthday. I wanted to avoid a cartoon-y theme (thanks for the ideas, Holly!), but Dick thought we should have something she'll recognize. There will be people here that she has never met, and I want some part of it to be comforting for her. I'm currently making the invitations (that MUST go out, like, no later than Wednesday), and MIL has painted 4-foot versions of each character. They are SUPER cute, and I can't wait to get them. I've decided on cupcakes, crudites, and juice for food. I'm getting a pinata (more than likely pull-string), and we're going to paint t-shirts. I hope this turns out well. I'm pretty nervous.

-I've already completed Christmas shopping for my siblings and picked up a few things for my MIL, FIL, and SIL. I'm making calendars of Mary for the grandparents (and one for myself). I'm hoping Dick gives me his list ASAP. I'm still doing a little research and looking around for Mary's gifts. I'm still not sure what else to get my parents. Ireally do love Christmas, but some of these people are hard to buy for.

-We're heading to Oklahoma for Thanksgiving in a week and a half. I'm looking forward to it, but it will be so hard. I think I mentioned before that Thanksgiving Day would have been my Aunt Cindy's 46th birthday (as opposed to 48th which I think I may have said before). I am, however, looking forward to being away from work.

-Mary is growing so fast! She started crawling the second week in October. She's pulling herself up to standing now and can stand without holding on for several seconds. She'll cruise along the furniture, too. She's gotten two more teeth in. The first two were her bottom front teeth, but the next two that came in...her top canines! She looks like a little vampire. She's feeding herself very well (with her fingers, obviously). Did I mention she has separation anxiety? When MIL was here, I couldn't leave the room without her freaking out. If MIL was out of the room, she would be perfectly fine. Crazy. I'm still looking for that pause button...you know, the pause her life button. ;)

-My mom, her hubs, my brother, and sisters will be coming up here the weekend of Mary's birthday. It will be pure insanity.

-Dick's parents, sister, and soon-to-be brother-in-law will be here for Christmas. It will be pure insanity.

-We're officially going on our first long road trip since having Mary in February. We're heading to FL to see the in-laws and stopping in GA to see Mary's great-grandmother. I'm looking forward to the time off.

-Therapy is going. It's helping. Neither of our familys know yet. I just don't need anyone judging my craziness.

-Mary's first Halloween went well! It was really cold, so I made her a "wig" out of fleece complete with Tinkerbell bun. It turned out pretty damn cute, if I say so myself.

Mary is getting pissed...she needs my attention. I hope to be back on a regular schedule soon.

RIP My sweet Aunt Cindy

God took a perfect angel into Heaven last night.

My Aunt Cindy died. She was a wonderful woman. She and her husband were on their motorcycle on their way home, and someone ran a stop sign and hit them. Both my aunt and her husband were killed. I don't know anymore than that, and I don't want to. The scenarios in my head are bad enough.

God, it pains me to just sit here and write about her. She was truly wonderful. I haven't seen her since Thanksgiving 2006, but we've emailed some and talked on the phone. I was looking forward to seeing her this Thanksgiving. I'm not excited about going home to Oklahoma anymore. Thanksgiving day would've been her 48th birthday.

Her husband was a good man. They met back in high school but went their separate ways. In 2004, they started dating (she after two failed marriages, him after one). On October 8 of that year, they were married (the following year on the same day, I got married). He let her be HERSELF. She hadn't ever had someone treat her so well. They were a perfect fit.

She had an unbelieveable faith in God. I can only hope that one day God will show me how to be that faithful. She was an inspiration. My family is convinced that she had God on "direct-connect."

My aunt was strong, caring, loving, compassionate, easy-going, and had a sense of humor like no other. She gave the best hugs, like she never wanted to let you go, like it would be the last time she ever got to hug you. Without saying a word, her hugs let you know that she loved you more than anything, that she hated to see you go, that spending time with you was worth it, that the world was a better place because you were there, that everything will eventually be ok. I would give anything to have one of those right now...to smell her country scent, to feel her soft arms, to have her kiss my cheek, to feel her faithful embrace.

Granny keeps saying that God took her for a reason, that He needed her more than we do. Whatever His reason...it still hurts.

I love and miss you so much, Aunt Cindy. May you rest in peace.

"It's a letter confirming your reservation at the nut house."

According to my new therapist, I have Adjustment Disorder. I really don't feel like going into exactly what that is, so click the link if you're interested.

At least it ain't schizophrenia.

And in more news, Dick and I celebrated our three-year anniversary last Wednesday, the 8th. I had every intention of blogging about it, but we've been going non-stop. I came home from work early because he was supposed to go to physical therapy and then to work, but he was drinking a beer instead. He had taken the night off over a month ago and canceled his PT! I was completely surprised. He took me out to eat at Cavallino Nero (AWESOME Italian joint) and then we had dessert at Simply Fondue. It was so nice. Early Saturday morning we drove up to the Pocono Mountains and spent the night. We had such a good time, and I'll try to blog more about it when I get the pics off my camera.

For now, this crazy has to get some sleep.

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

That's right, bitches. I'm sick.

Every time an illness ran rampant through our family, my mom was always the last to get sick. It's wierd how it happens that way, like God says, "I'm going to test you. First, I'm going to make your family sick but not all at the same time...each will start the illness about a day apart; that way, you're at their every beckoned call for a good week solid. Just as things are looking up and everyone is getting better, you'll get sick, too."

This is a test. It is only a test.

I don't mind taking care of Dick at all. He hardly gets sick, but when he does, ho-ly smokes. And obviously taking care of Mary is a pleasure. I just feel so bad because she can't sleep for shit.

Hypothetically...

So I was talking to a good friend this weekend (we'll call her Anne), and she told me that someone told her that her father *supposedly* had child pornography on his computer. She was also told that he *supposedly* raped his ex-wife, and that's why she left him. Remember, this is a friend of mine...

What would you do? Besides needing therapy, how would you take it? This ex was a horrible woman to Anbe and her sibs and tore apart their family. Granted, the father is as much to blame if not more, but this woman was plain out rude, told lies about Anne and her sibs, and even hid out in the bedroom every time Anne and her husband went over there. She had three kids of her own, and she was lookin' for a daddy to raise 'em. Anne's dad was her third marriage (and she was only 31).

And did I mention that Anne's mother believes it all? She's the one who told Anne everything because she actually saw the ex-wife the night before. The ex revealed all this to Anne's mom in a bathroom at a county fair event.

Anne's mom HATES her father because of all the shit that's gone down since he got with that dirty ho of an ex. He hasn't been much of a father and even didn't see his son for 11 months straight. He's totally a piece of shit for everything he did, but that's still her father. Anne's mom would loooove if her kids hated their father. Anne told her during an argument, "I'm not going to hate my dad like you want me to." And her mother said, "Why not?!?"

Anne knows things about her father's sex life that no child should ever know. A vengeful mother, big-mouthed boss's wife, and disgusting ex-girlfriend all let her know about her dad's preferences (including positions, certain lude acts, frequency, ejaculate, etc...I am not even joking). At one time, a lot of porn was discovered on her father's work computer, so the boss's wife put a block on the system and didn't hesitate to let Anne's mom (and other big mouths) know about it. Anne knows her dad is a freak when it comes to sex, but child pornography is something she just can't believe.

Again, this is her dad. She refuses to believe it, but who wouldn't?!? After all the shit he said and put her and her sibs through, she still loves him dearly. I recall a certain Commandment...Honor thy father and thy mother.

But what the fuck would you do? How do you think you'd feel?

A USCG Tragedy

Not sure if any of you have heard, but there was a horrible accident last night about five miles from Honolulu. An HH-65, the same helo that Dick flies on, crashed into the Pacific. Three of the four crewmembers were found with no vital signs and pronounced dead at the hospital. The fourth crewmember is still missing. The swimmer onboard, Aviation Survival Technician First Class (AST1) David Skimin, was a friend of Dick's. They were stationed together in Hawaii for four years. David had just transferred back to Hawaii from a tour in Alaska.

All four men were married with kids.

This hits so close to home and for a number of reasons. God, I wish Dick NEVER had to fly again.

Please say a prayer for the families of these four heroes.

Phew?

Not pregnant.

I really didn't know how to feel about all that. I mean, I would've welcomed a second child with open arms, but at the same time, I can't imagine sharing my love with anyone else right now. It made me really upset to think about Mary not being THE center of my world anymore. I'm just not ready for another baby right now.

There was a little twinge of disappointment though.

I have no idea about the owning different floors of a condo thing. I know that you can do that in a high-rise condo building, but I didn't know that about houses. I would imagine that the owners would split costs for any improvements, repairs, etc. as far as the structure/land is concerned. The guy that we know owns the whole building, but when I see him again, I can ask him what he knows about it.

Gotsta start supper!

...

I'll be taking a pregnancy test in the morning.

No need to comment...just say a little prayer.