Blaaaahhhh

I knew something was up with Mary last night when she refused her juice. She didn't each much dinner and was pretty cranky. I took her to bed a little late (around 9:30), but she took a late nap that day, so it worked out.

She slept until around 12:45. I laid down in bed with her, and she calmed right down but didn't immediately go to sleep. She was quiet and didn't want to nurse at all (yes...still nursing...but only at night). We laid there for around 45 minutes when she sat up, turned to me, and barfed all over my arm, shoulder, and side. She continued to puke a few more times all over the sheets. She cried for a minute, but I think she may have just been startled.

We went downstairs and both got in the bathtub, and she was perfectly fine. She played and splashed just like she always does. When it was time to go to bed, it was like our regular routine.

I know random barfing episodes are the norm for kids, but never did I imagine that I wouldn't even flinch when covered in milk-and-veggie-laden puke.

I guess you never really know your own stomach strength.

Adjustment Disorder, Separation Anxiety, or both?

The moment I have dreaded for months now has come. On Sunday morning, the hubs called to inform me that the bastards denied his continuance on the night shift at work. When will he be moving to the day shift, you ask? January mother-fucking 19th. That's right - three weeks until Mary has to start daycare. I would have waited after our Florida trip in February, but my MIL decided not to come up here when the hubs goes to DC next week since his trip has been shortened to one week. Mary will be at work with me for a full week during one of the busiest months of the year - W2 time and year-end close. I couldn't really wait much longer.

The hubs and I went daycare shopping with Mary on Tuesday and, suprisingly, found a daycare that we both loved. I didn't make any appointments and prepared 25 questions that I asked each provider. I was torn between two and actually had to sit down and write out a list of the pros and cons of each. Hubs had one chosen, so the decision was up to me.

Choosing who will provide daily childcare for your most precious possession has to be one of the hardest decisions EVER. After an unbelievable critique, I decided on one. They only had one spot left, so I had to turn in the papers yesterday. I started bawling as soon as I got in my car to go home.

She'll be there three days a week to start, and the other two days she'll be with me unless the hubs has a day off.

I am absolutely dreading the first day. Now I'm not sure who has separation anxiety worse...Mary or me.

Happy 1st Birthday to Mary!!

This has been one of the most bittersweet days of my life. My sweet baby Mary turned one. It breaks my heart when I think about how fast this past year has gone by, but at the same time, I love watching Mary grow and learn. We had a small party for her - complete with four-foot-tall Backyardigans characters hanging on the walls - on Saturday. It was a lot of fun, and Mary had a good time. She loved watching all the little kids running around playing, and she laughed a lot. When it was time for the cupcakes, she was hesitant, but once she realized that the icing was sweet, she put her face right into it.She loooved that buttercream frosting. She even threw have of the cupcake itself on the ground. She just smacked away on that cupcake.

The birth of Mary:

Two days before my due date, I went in for a check-up. I still wasn't dilated at all. My dr sent me for an ultrasound and a non-stress test. The test came back fine, and the u/s showed that Mary was measuring 8.5lbs +/- 1.5lbs. After talking to my dr about this, we decided the at the best course of action would be to schedule a C-section. We were having trouble scheduling - I didn't want any other dr but my own, and he had to be at the practice the only day the hospital could schedule me in. He decided that he'd skip lunch to do my C-section. I couldn't have picked a better dr.

The night before my surgery reality stepped in - I was about to have surgery - something I've never dealt with. When my ILs walked in, I instantly started crying. As badly as I wanted to meet Mary, I was scared out of my mind about being cut open. The morning of my C-section arrives, and I was starving. Because no one told me that I couldn't eat, we stopped on the way to the hospital and grabbed a breakfast sandwich. When I was getting settled into the room, the nurse asked if I'd eaten, so I naturally told her yes. Well, that clearly wasn't the answer she expected to hear. She had to tell the anaesthesiologist who then talked to my dr. My dr called me and was in shock that I had eaten. I reminded him several times that NO ONE told me not to. I was then told that I had to stay at the hospital while they rescheduled me. At this point, I was really worried that my dr wouldn't be able to make it since the surgery was supposed to be at 12:30, and the earliest they would reschedule was 2:30. I learned at 2:00 that my dr canceled his afternoon appointments so he could perform my surgery.

At 2:25 I walked down to the operating room. I sat on the table, and the anaesthesiologist gave me the spinal block. I laid down, and a few minutes later my dr came in. He asked how I was doing, and all I could say was, "Scared." He reassured me that everything would be fine. About ten minutes later, the hubs came in the room. I was so glad to see him. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and I was feeling really queasy. I was given oxygen and medication in my IV for the queasiness. So many things were going on around me, but it was hard for me to focus on anything except feeling like I was going to puke at any moment. The anaesthesia was not agreeing with me. After a few more minutes, my dr told me that they were ready to go. The anticipation was killing me, but the hubs seemed ok because he was taking an occasional peek over the drape. I said, "They make this look a lot faster on the Discovery Channel." The anaesthesiologist answered, "You've only been down for ten minutes."

My dr had a tough time pulling Mary out - she was practically wrapped around my ribs. My dr's partner had to push on the top of my stomach with unbelievable force to help move her out. At one point, they were getting ready to use the vacuum because she was just stuck. After a few minutes, the hubs says, "There's her head" and started to cry. A second later, her cries. It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard, and I cried the moment I heard her. I wanted to see her so badly, but the nurse whisked her away to the table. I was so glad that the hubs got to see her and was able to record her being cleaned up. I cried until they finally brought her to me and then I cried even harder. I watched as the hubs got to hold her first and then brought her to my face so I could kiss her. At that moment, I didn't ever want her to leave my sight. She was beautiful, chubby, perfect.

After the nurse took her to the nursery, my dr tells one of the other nurses to call down and find out how much Mary weighed because she was "a big baby." "Ten pounds!" the nurse calls out, and everyone in the room shouted, "Whoa!!" It was pretty remarkable, and my dr leaned over the drape to me and said, "I will never regret our decision to do a C-section, and you shouldn't either." I, for one, don't.

I was wheeled into the recovery room and told the hubs to go be with Mary because I didn't want her alone. He and a nurse came in with her 30 minutes later, and I finally got to hold my sweet little girl. She squirmed, squeaked, and made the cutest faces. Her skin was soft, her head round, and her body warm. I didn't ever want to let go. She was everything I had ever dreamed, wished, and hoped for. All my prayers were answered - she was healthy and perfect.

There is not one thing I would change about our experience. I am so grateful for my dr, his partner, the anaesthesiologist, and the nurses for making her birth so wonderful. And for the hubs...I couldn't have asked for a better husband, father, or friend.

I thank God every single day that he blessed our lives with Mary. She is the best thing I've ever done (with a little help, of course), and words can't describe how deeply I love her.

Happy 1st Birthday, my sweet baby girl.

Mary R.

December 17, 2007, 3:10pm

10lbs 21.5 in

RIP My Grandma Brown

About twelve hours after my last post, I found out that my grandmother passed away that day. She was the same grandmother I went to see at the beginning of October.

She was released from the hospital earlier in the day after being in for almost a week with pneumonia. My grandfather came by three times that day to check on her, and the first time she was really grouchy, so he said he'd let her rest. He came back twice, and both times she was sleeping. Eventually they realized she wasn't breathing and began CPR even though she was DNR. My aunt walked in at that point. All in all, her heart gave out.

Her funeral was beautiful and fit for my Grandma with a rainy day and tons of flowers. She would've wanted as much drama and love shown as possible. She loved attention and for people to take care of her. We made several jokes about it, but nonetheless, that was my grandma.

I feel so badly for my grandfather. He's lived alone now for seven months since she's been in the nursing home, but he's gone to see her every single day and sometimes twice a day. He said several times that she's better off because she was so sick. On Wednesday he was reading the paper and saw her name and just broke down into tears. He would think of something that he needed to tell Grandma or take to her and then get choked up. After seeing her on Wednesday in the funeral home, he was in a daze. He stared off into space and said, "Her blush was too dark." I went up there to talk to the funeral director about it, and upon seeing her...I just can't describe it. It didn't feel real. She didn't look like my grandmother. She was cold. Her glasses were missing. Her face was almost skeletal. Her lipstick was a tad too pink. Her eyebrows were too dark. Her face was too relaxed. She was too thin. She just wasn't right.

Before I realized what I was saying, I called out, "Please, Grandma, wake up." I touched her hand as if to startle her. I kissed her forehead and left.

She's no longer sick. She's at peace.

I love you, Grandma.

August 2004

June 2008

Oh the weather outside is truly effing frightful

It has been so stinkin' cold here. It's 30 degrees below the average temp for this time of the year. It wouldn't be so bad, but putting clothes on Mary is like trying to dress a rabid skunk. We've already had snow twice (luckily not enough to stick), and when I left for work this morning, it was a cool 18 outside. Some are saying that it's going to be one frigid winter.

One of the neighbors across the street (we'll refer to them as The Griswolds #2 since The Griswolds #1 live right next door to them) have had their Christmas decorations up since...wait for it...the DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN. I could not believe it. Traditionally (like most of America, I believe), we put ours up the weekend after Thanksgiving. Since we'll be in Oklahoma, we decided to start it this past weekend. Who else decided to add MORE stuff to the shit storm of decorations they already have? The Griswolds #2. I shit you not, they have around ten of those damn blow-up things, and their yard is not that big. Ho-ly smokes. I detest those things because of The Griswolds #2. Yesterday the hubs ran into Home Depot while Mary and I sat in the car, and when he got back to the car, he revealed to me that he had bought...ONE OF THOSE BLOW-UP THINGS!!! AHHHHH!!! Actually, it's really cute and very small. It's Tigger with a Santy Clause hat and a present in his lap. Mary loves "My Friends Tigger and Pooh," so that's why he bought it, and it's not even in our yard. It's small enough to sit in the flower bed right next to the porch, and it is SO not tacky. I'll post pics when we come back from T-giving because we still have a few more decorations to put up. And I am soooo going to post a pic of The Griswolds' #2 yard.

Tomorrow begins our four-month whorlwind of traveling/having guests at the house. I'm really am looking forward to seeing my family, but I dread flying especially now that we have Mary. Don't get me wrong, she is a great flyer (thrice already), but I have a horrible fear of something going wrong with the plane, and I get these horrible visions in my head, and my hands start sweating, and my blood pressure goes up....ugh. Maybe once I stop breastfeeding I can get me some Xanax for flying though I may need something more along the lines of Valium when we go to St. Thomas next summer. Oh God, I can't think about that...my chest is tightening up.

Well if I don't get a chance to post while I'm away, I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!!

Hello...hello...hello....

I promise I haven't fallen off the face of the planet. I've just been balls to the wall busy at work and trying to prepare for the upcoming holidays and Mary's birthday. Here's a quick synapsis:

-I was unable to attend my Aunt's funeral due to costs and time, but my mom's husband put him cell phone on the altar, and I was able to hear the whole thing. One of the first songs they played was "I Can Only Imagine," and I broke down. Her untimely death has had such an affect on me and my family. I'm questioning things that I should be more firm about...faith, existence, if He's truly "all-knowing..." this is very, very tough. This topic definitely deserves more than just four sentences, but maybe another day.

-Remember that crazy douchebag Keith at work (I dedicated Douchebag Thursdays to him on my old blog)? Well, he went over the deep end and is now out on disability. Guess who gets to be a part of picking up the slack? Me. Those mother fuckers had the nerve to tell me yesterday, "You got promoted without a raise." I kindly told them, "I don't take promotions without raises." We'll see what happens on Monday. That fool Keith made $43.20/hour. I DAMN SURE deserve a cut of what they're not paying him anymore.

-We've decided on The Backyardigans as the theme for Mary's birthday. I wanted to avoid a cartoon-y theme (thanks for the ideas, Holly!), but Dick thought we should have something she'll recognize. There will be people here that she has never met, and I want some part of it to be comforting for her. I'm currently making the invitations (that MUST go out, like, no later than Wednesday), and MIL has painted 4-foot versions of each character. They are SUPER cute, and I can't wait to get them. I've decided on cupcakes, crudites, and juice for food. I'm getting a pinata (more than likely pull-string), and we're going to paint t-shirts. I hope this turns out well. I'm pretty nervous.

-I've already completed Christmas shopping for my siblings and picked up a few things for my MIL, FIL, and SIL. I'm making calendars of Mary for the grandparents (and one for myself). I'm hoping Dick gives me his list ASAP. I'm still doing a little research and looking around for Mary's gifts. I'm still not sure what else to get my parents. Ireally do love Christmas, but some of these people are hard to buy for.

-We're heading to Oklahoma for Thanksgiving in a week and a half. I'm looking forward to it, but it will be so hard. I think I mentioned before that Thanksgiving Day would have been my Aunt Cindy's 46th birthday (as opposed to 48th which I think I may have said before). I am, however, looking forward to being away from work.

-Mary is growing so fast! She started crawling the second week in October. She's pulling herself up to standing now and can stand without holding on for several seconds. She'll cruise along the furniture, too. She's gotten two more teeth in. The first two were her bottom front teeth, but the next two that came in...her top canines! She looks like a little vampire. She's feeding herself very well (with her fingers, obviously). Did I mention she has separation anxiety? When MIL was here, I couldn't leave the room without her freaking out. If MIL was out of the room, she would be perfectly fine. Crazy. I'm still looking for that pause button...you know, the pause her life button. ;)

-My mom, her hubs, my brother, and sisters will be coming up here the weekend of Mary's birthday. It will be pure insanity.

-Dick's parents, sister, and soon-to-be brother-in-law will be here for Christmas. It will be pure insanity.

-We're officially going on our first long road trip since having Mary in February. We're heading to FL to see the in-laws and stopping in GA to see Mary's great-grandmother. I'm looking forward to the time off.

-Therapy is going. It's helping. Neither of our familys know yet. I just don't need anyone judging my craziness.

-Mary's first Halloween went well! It was really cold, so I made her a "wig" out of fleece complete with Tinkerbell bun. It turned out pretty damn cute, if I say so myself.

Mary is getting pissed...she needs my attention. I hope to be back on a regular schedule soon.

RIP My sweet Aunt Cindy

God took a perfect angel into Heaven last night.

My Aunt Cindy died. She was a wonderful woman. She and her husband were on their motorcycle on their way home, and someone ran a stop sign and hit them. Both my aunt and her husband were killed. I don't know anymore than that, and I don't want to. The scenarios in my head are bad enough.

God, it pains me to just sit here and write about her. She was truly wonderful. I haven't seen her since Thanksgiving 2006, but we've emailed some and talked on the phone. I was looking forward to seeing her this Thanksgiving. I'm not excited about going home to Oklahoma anymore. Thanksgiving day would've been her 48th birthday.

Her husband was a good man. They met back in high school but went their separate ways. In 2004, they started dating (she after two failed marriages, him after one). On October 8 of that year, they were married (the following year on the same day, I got married). He let her be HERSELF. She hadn't ever had someone treat her so well. They were a perfect fit.

She had an unbelieveable faith in God. I can only hope that one day God will show me how to be that faithful. She was an inspiration. My family is convinced that she had God on "direct-connect."

My aunt was strong, caring, loving, compassionate, easy-going, and had a sense of humor like no other. She gave the best hugs, like she never wanted to let you go, like it would be the last time she ever got to hug you. Without saying a word, her hugs let you know that she loved you more than anything, that she hated to see you go, that spending time with you was worth it, that the world was a better place because you were there, that everything will eventually be ok. I would give anything to have one of those right now...to smell her country scent, to feel her soft arms, to have her kiss my cheek, to feel her faithful embrace.

Granny keeps saying that God took her for a reason, that He needed her more than we do. Whatever His reason...it still hurts.

I love and miss you so much, Aunt Cindy. May you rest in peace.