The Great Debate

Last night's episode of Private Practice was heart-wrenching for me. I am that mother that is pro-vaccine but also scared shitless of what people have said about Autism.

There's no way I wouldn't vaccinate the ham - there is just way to much risk involved in not doing it. I'd have to quit my job because she wouldn't be allowed in daycare, she wouldn't be able to go to school, there would be SO MUCH RISK if we traveled outside the US (what last night's PP episode hit on), and when she decides to have babies, she would need to be vaccinated because of all the risks associated with catching those bugs while pregnant.

And even though I've read articles that say vaccines don't cause Autism, and her pediatrician is a firm believer in that, I'm still scared.

She gets her first MMR vaccination next month. It will be a horribly scary day for me.

The Human Pacifier

Imagine this...you are standing in front of four roofers holding your child and having a conversation. Before you know it, she has her hand inside your shirt and is practically groping you. And everyone can see.

This is like, my every day. The ham loves to play with my boobs. There is no easy way to put it. I know it's a comfort thing, so I'm not freakin' out about it, but DAMN.

It doesn't matter what kind of shirt I'm wearing - t-shirt, tanktop, hoodie, sweater, turtleneck - she will find a way to get her hand inside my shirt and past my bra in record time.

What makes it worse is that it's probably all my effing fault. Yes, she is still nursing but not during the day. I no longer pump, so she's on whole milk. The problem arises at night. Because she sleeps with us and nurses at night, she hasn't learned to self-soothe. She can fall asleep without nursing, but she prefers not to do it that way. I'm like a human frickin' pacifier.

Something has got to be done, but I don't even know where to begin. Put her in the crib at night? Hell to the no! Our bedroom is upstairs; hers is down. Ain't no way she's sleeping downstairs while we're up. Move the crib upstairs? Sure! Now convince the hubs because he's being a pain in the ass about that. I told him, "Well she's gonna be sleeping with us until we transfer again." "Ok."

**Let me just mention that we haven't had sex in our bed since before the ham was born. This living room has seen a lot of action. I sometimes wonder if the neighbors can see our silhouettes in the windows...teeheehee!

Anyway, the boob grabbin' has got to come to a close soon. As much as I enjoy her finding comfort in me, I can't take the men in the office breaking a sweat trying not to watch or saying things like, "Not now, huh?" or "What is she DOING?"

Lovin' on me, damnit!

New Toy

And did I mention that I got this?

=)

House of Flying Body Fluids

I got halfway to work when the hubs called to tell me that Mary threw up big time. She hadn't done it since Saturday night, but she was pretty cranky most of yesterday and didn't each much. She was fine when I left for work, but apparently she wasn't feeling good. Anway, hubs started feeling sick this morning, too, so that means I'm now working from home.

So I've decided that I'm sick of "hiding." I'm sick of having to correct names and such on this blog. It's a pain in my big ass, and I'm done, so from now on Mary is no longer Mary, and Dick is no longer Dick. I, therefore, am no longer Jane.

If someone comes across this blog because they decide to Google everyone in mother fucking creation, then so-be-it. I'll do what I can without driving myself mad to still somewhat disguise our names...J, K, and A. Or maybe I won't even do that. I will do my best not to use my own name since it's not common, and those that do have it don't spell it the way I do. Now I'm just thinking out loud.

As you can see, the ham has taken over my kitchen utensil junk drawer, so I've had to do a little rearranging. She's so worth the trouble. ;)

Blaaaahhhh

I knew something was up with Mary last night when she refused her juice. She didn't each much dinner and was pretty cranky. I took her to bed a little late (around 9:30), but she took a late nap that day, so it worked out.

She slept until around 12:45. I laid down in bed with her, and she calmed right down but didn't immediately go to sleep. She was quiet and didn't want to nurse at all (yes...still nursing...but only at night). We laid there for around 45 minutes when she sat up, turned to me, and barfed all over my arm, shoulder, and side. She continued to puke a few more times all over the sheets. She cried for a minute, but I think she may have just been startled.

We went downstairs and both got in the bathtub, and she was perfectly fine. She played and splashed just like she always does. When it was time to go to bed, it was like our regular routine.

I know random barfing episodes are the norm for kids, but never did I imagine that I wouldn't even flinch when covered in milk-and-veggie-laden puke.

I guess you never really know your own stomach strength.

Adjustment Disorder, Separation Anxiety, or both?

The moment I have dreaded for months now has come. On Sunday morning, the hubs called to inform me that the bastards denied his continuance on the night shift at work. When will he be moving to the day shift, you ask? January mother-fucking 19th. That's right - three weeks until Mary has to start daycare. I would have waited after our Florida trip in February, but my MIL decided not to come up here when the hubs goes to DC next week since his trip has been shortened to one week. Mary will be at work with me for a full week during one of the busiest months of the year - W2 time and year-end close. I couldn't really wait much longer.

The hubs and I went daycare shopping with Mary on Tuesday and, suprisingly, found a daycare that we both loved. I didn't make any appointments and prepared 25 questions that I asked each provider. I was torn between two and actually had to sit down and write out a list of the pros and cons of each. Hubs had one chosen, so the decision was up to me.

Choosing who will provide daily childcare for your most precious possession has to be one of the hardest decisions EVER. After an unbelievable critique, I decided on one. They only had one spot left, so I had to turn in the papers yesterday. I started bawling as soon as I got in my car to go home.

She'll be there three days a week to start, and the other two days she'll be with me unless the hubs has a day off.

I am absolutely dreading the first day. Now I'm not sure who has separation anxiety worse...Mary or me.

Happy 1st Birthday to Mary!!

This has been one of the most bittersweet days of my life. My sweet baby Mary turned one. It breaks my heart when I think about how fast this past year has gone by, but at the same time, I love watching Mary grow and learn. We had a small party for her - complete with four-foot-tall Backyardigans characters hanging on the walls - on Saturday. It was a lot of fun, and Mary had a good time. She loved watching all the little kids running around playing, and she laughed a lot. When it was time for the cupcakes, she was hesitant, but once she realized that the icing was sweet, she put her face right into it.She loooved that buttercream frosting. She even threw have of the cupcake itself on the ground. She just smacked away on that cupcake.

The birth of Mary:

Two days before my due date, I went in for a check-up. I still wasn't dilated at all. My dr sent me for an ultrasound and a non-stress test. The test came back fine, and the u/s showed that Mary was measuring 8.5lbs +/- 1.5lbs. After talking to my dr about this, we decided the at the best course of action would be to schedule a C-section. We were having trouble scheduling - I didn't want any other dr but my own, and he had to be at the practice the only day the hospital could schedule me in. He decided that he'd skip lunch to do my C-section. I couldn't have picked a better dr.

The night before my surgery reality stepped in - I was about to have surgery - something I've never dealt with. When my ILs walked in, I instantly started crying. As badly as I wanted to meet Mary, I was scared out of my mind about being cut open. The morning of my C-section arrives, and I was starving. Because no one told me that I couldn't eat, we stopped on the way to the hospital and grabbed a breakfast sandwich. When I was getting settled into the room, the nurse asked if I'd eaten, so I naturally told her yes. Well, that clearly wasn't the answer she expected to hear. She had to tell the anaesthesiologist who then talked to my dr. My dr called me and was in shock that I had eaten. I reminded him several times that NO ONE told me not to. I was then told that I had to stay at the hospital while they rescheduled me. At this point, I was really worried that my dr wouldn't be able to make it since the surgery was supposed to be at 12:30, and the earliest they would reschedule was 2:30. I learned at 2:00 that my dr canceled his afternoon appointments so he could perform my surgery.

At 2:25 I walked down to the operating room. I sat on the table, and the anaesthesiologist gave me the spinal block. I laid down, and a few minutes later my dr came in. He asked how I was doing, and all I could say was, "Scared." He reassured me that everything would be fine. About ten minutes later, the hubs came in the room. I was so glad to see him. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and I was feeling really queasy. I was given oxygen and medication in my IV for the queasiness. So many things were going on around me, but it was hard for me to focus on anything except feeling like I was going to puke at any moment. The anaesthesia was not agreeing with me. After a few more minutes, my dr told me that they were ready to go. The anticipation was killing me, but the hubs seemed ok because he was taking an occasional peek over the drape. I said, "They make this look a lot faster on the Discovery Channel." The anaesthesiologist answered, "You've only been down for ten minutes."

My dr had a tough time pulling Mary out - she was practically wrapped around my ribs. My dr's partner had to push on the top of my stomach with unbelievable force to help move her out. At one point, they were getting ready to use the vacuum because she was just stuck. After a few minutes, the hubs says, "There's her head" and started to cry. A second later, her cries. It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard, and I cried the moment I heard her. I wanted to see her so badly, but the nurse whisked her away to the table. I was so glad that the hubs got to see her and was able to record her being cleaned up. I cried until they finally brought her to me and then I cried even harder. I watched as the hubs got to hold her first and then brought her to my face so I could kiss her. At that moment, I didn't ever want her to leave my sight. She was beautiful, chubby, perfect.

After the nurse took her to the nursery, my dr tells one of the other nurses to call down and find out how much Mary weighed because she was "a big baby." "Ten pounds!" the nurse calls out, and everyone in the room shouted, "Whoa!!" It was pretty remarkable, and my dr leaned over the drape to me and said, "I will never regret our decision to do a C-section, and you shouldn't either." I, for one, don't.

I was wheeled into the recovery room and told the hubs to go be with Mary because I didn't want her alone. He and a nurse came in with her 30 minutes later, and I finally got to hold my sweet little girl. She squirmed, squeaked, and made the cutest faces. Her skin was soft, her head round, and her body warm. I didn't ever want to let go. She was everything I had ever dreamed, wished, and hoped for. All my prayers were answered - she was healthy and perfect.

There is not one thing I would change about our experience. I am so grateful for my dr, his partner, the anaesthesiologist, and the nurses for making her birth so wonderful. And for the hubs...I couldn't have asked for a better husband, father, or friend.

I thank God every single day that he blessed our lives with Mary. She is the best thing I've ever done (with a little help, of course), and words can't describe how deeply I love her.

Happy 1st Birthday, my sweet baby girl.

Mary R.

December 17, 2007, 3:10pm

10lbs 21.5 in